The Guilt and Regret of Zoe Kissane
by GoddessOfOlympia
Summary: What really happened in Ireland when Zoe Kissane returned to debrief? What really happened between her and Cieran Kincaid in order for Carnivore to have the information that could potentially rip a family apart? Oneshot, contains sparse and non-graphic smut and details from before/after the incident. Written from third person, Zoe's thoughts included. (Possible non-con)


**Author's Note: So, this is a re-write of my first ever piece of fanfiction… The details and names mentioned should all be correct, but please let me know if they're not. I find it ironic how in order to write this story, I added a whole heap of information about Zoe to the **_**Matthew Reilly Wikia**_**… Really useful websites they are. Anyway, please review if you read this story! As you will read, it's more than just smut. =]**

* * *

Zoe Kissane stepped out of the terminal and navigated her way through Dublin Airport with an ease that only comes with familiarity. Her blonde hair was at an awkward length, growing just past her shoulders since the mission to assemble the capstone had ended. She flicked it impatiently out of her hair as she waited for her bag to swing around on the carousel. When it arrived, she reached out and grabbed it with one arm, muscles flexing in her bicep. Zoe slung it over her shoulder before making her way to a car that was waiting for her. The driver gave her a friendly smile before beginning to talk rapidly.

"How are you today, miss? Did you have a good flight?" His accent was so Irish it made Zoe relax instantly and smile without really knowing why. The Capstone was part of her past now. All she had to do was debrief with the Sciathan Fhianoglach an Arim before she could return to Australia. She replied politely to the driver and they made small talk as the car travelled out to the country. They soon arrived at a military base. Zoe grabbed her own bags and tipped him richly before wheeling them into the building.

She was greeted warmly by General Collin O'Hara, the man who had begun it all. He had been her General for the last few years and the one to orchestrate her arrival into the Capstone Mission group. However, her return was tinged with sadness. After locating two pieces of the Capstone in Paris, they had returned to the farm in Kenya. There, they had been ambushed by an entire CIEF force. During this, her baby brother Corporal Liam "Big Ears" Kissane had died to save Lily. Zoe missed him so much and she hated the thought of returning to her home country without him, but here she was.

"Zoe!" Collin O'Hara said, shaking her hand warmly. "The board wants you to quickly debrief and then you can be on your way."

"The Board?" Zoe asked, somewhat dubious. The Capstone Mission was very hidden and Collin chuckled.

"Not a huge party, I promise." Zoe nodded and followed him into a large room. The walls were decorated with intricate Celtic knots, carved from a black stone. It reminded Zoe of the tattoo she had on her hip, a feather across a sword that were drawn in the Celtic knots. It represented both her culture and her military/university training.

"Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce Corporal Zoe Kissane." True to his word, there were no more than five people in the room and Zoe knew three of them. One of them in particular caught her eye. He was young like her and very handsome. He had sandy blonde hair that fell across bright blue eyes, and a slick smile. O'Hara went around the room and introduced everyone.

"This is Lieutenant Cieran Kincaid," he said when he reached the blonde man but he didn't add anymore. "Anytime you'd like to start with your de-briefing, feel free, Zoe." There was a pause as O'Hara met her eyes sympathetically before adding in a soft voice. "Take your time." Zoe took a deep breath in before she began to speak.

"Liam Kissane died a hero's death," she began. "He died saving a little girl who was crucial to the mission and the survival of the world." Over the next hour, Zoe outlined the main points of the mission, telling the Board what they needed to hear and excluding anything they didn't.

* * *

Eventually she was finished. She felt like she wanted to cry. She would have cried but she knew that Liam wouldn't have minded that she didn't; in the army, being a woman was harder and any sign of weakness could take you somewhere you didn't want to be. She turned to walk over to the door, already planning a quiet evening in her local tavern when a hand on her shoulder stopped her. She turned to see Cieran Kincaid flashing her a bright smile.

"Leaving so soon?" His voice matched his appearance; sleek and slick. She gave him a polite smile, the sort of smile she'd been giving everyone except Jack and Lily. No one else understood.

"Yeah, I've had a long flight and I need some rest," Zoe replied civilly, shrugging his hand off her shoulder. His easy grin morphed into a slight smirk.

"Ah, c'mon, you have to come for a drink with me," he protested. Zoe hesitated, considering it for a long moment. Cieran seemed easy enough to be around. She needed to forget about an Ireland with Liam and move forward and so she finally nodded slowly.

"Great!" Cieran said. "I'll meet you at Flaherty's in twenty minutes?" he asked, no doubt factoring in her need to freshen up. Zoe nodded again; surprised he'd considered that but he seemed like the sort of groomed man who'd think about it. _Soldier_, she corrected in her head. He was more than just a man.

* * *

Zoe checked into her hotel room, courtesy of the army. She'd sold her Irish apartment when she'd first been recruited for the army, dedicating her life to it. She changed out of her comfortable travelling clothes and surveyed her wardrobe. She didn't care much for clothing and for the last thirteen years, it had been practical military clothing that had dominated her life. After a moment's hesitation she pulled on a pair of skinny jeans with a ribbed shirt and pulled her hair out. Her skin had been slightly tanned by the Australian sun. Zoe Kissane was _fit_. It was no wonder Cieran had taken even the slightest bit of interest in her.

She walked into the bar, not at all conscious of the stares she was garnering. Zoe knew that if any of the men in the bar caused her trouble, she could take them on with one hand behind her back. She wasn't interested in any case – Jack had remained in Australia, Jack who she had loved since her first lecture with him. This was a drink with Cieran as a friend. She quickly located Cieran, who was slouched in a chair, a bottle of red wine on the table in front of him. He grinned at Zoe as she sat, pouring her a glass.

"My, my, you do clean up well," he said suggestively and Zoe raised an eyebrow. She reached out and drained the glass in one long gulp, feeling it settle in her stomach instantly. "I ordered the Pinot Noir; I figured you'd be more of a red kind of girl." Zoe couldn't shake the feeling that his every move was accompanied by an ulterior motive – an ulterior motive her jetlagged brain wouldn't allow her to figure out.

"I'm not a girl, I'm a soldier," she told him as she poured herself another glass. "How long have you been enlisted?"

"I joined when I was 23," Cieran explained. "And that was about seven years ago." Zoe was right; he was the same age as her. "Worked my way through the ranks, none of this pencil pushing bullshit," he told her with an easy chuckle.

"Done anything I might have heard about?" Zoe questioned, feeling a smile appear on her own face.

"Depends on what you've heard about, really," Cieran said lazily, swilling his wine around in his glass. Zoe chuckled lightly, amused at his comment. The wine had definitely settled her stomach and she felt her guilt and sadness and fatigue drain away. "What do you say we move onto shots?" Cieran asked and Zoe nodded. Cieran signalled the bartender who brought over two of the finest Irish whiskey.

"To Liam Kissane," Zoe said somberly. "Big Ears!" Zoe then proclaimed, thrusting her shot into the air.

"To Big Ears," Cieran echoed in a seemingly sincere voice before they both knocked back their shots. They continued to toast through the night, the toasts becoming more and more slurred on Zoe's part until she eventually stood.

"I'll be…. Right back," she managed to tell him with effort before stumbling across the bar to the loo. It took an awful lot for an extremely fit and highly trained marine to allow herself to become this intoxicated. The reason became obvious as soon as Zoe left. Cieran poured the remainder of his shot into Zoe's glass before cracking open a white pill. The powder quickly dissolved in the whiskey and Cieran sat back with a self-satisfied smirk after he'd done it.

Zoe slid herself back into her seat, her top sliding up with the action. She frowned at the amount of liquid in her shot glass but proceeded to drink it. She needed to loosen up for just one night and Cieran seemed like just the right person to do it with.

"I should probably be heading back…" she said, going to stand again. She stumbled again and Cieran was on his feet quickly, supporting her.

"I don't know if that's such a good idea," he said. "Here, let me escort you to the hotel." Zoe nodded, trying to stop the room from spinning around. Cieran led her out of the bar and into the cold Irish night. He quickly flagged a taxi and gave him an address to a hotel. Zoe chatted away in the backseat about nothing in particular. Soon, she reached a point where she said something she probably shouldn't have.

"This isn't my hotel," she told Cieran with a slight frown as the taxi pulled up outside a building. Cieran laughed and took her by the hand.

"You're a little disoriented," he said, leading her through the lobby and to the lift. She was beginning to slouch slightly into him as she allowed herself to be led complacently into a bedroom that was definitely not her hotel room.

"Now, if you take a seat on the bed, I'll get you a glass of water." Zoe nodded, dragging her body over to the bed. The room was doing more than spinning now; it was swaying up and down, taking her with it. Cieran occasionally appeared in her view and handed her a glass of water. She accepted it gratefully and downed it like she had to the wine earlier. The room's dance slowed a little and she found herself able to re-focus on her environment. She was just about to say something when Cieran's lips were upon hers.

She meant to pull back immediately but his lips were soft and melded against hers very well. Instead, she found herself winding her hands in his shirt and pulling him down to the bed with her. Zoe's kisses were sloppy but Cieran didn't seem to mind as he pushed her shirt up. Zoe broke the kiss to allow him to pull it off, before Cieran pulled her bra off, exposing her torso.

"No fair," Zoe said thickly, tugging at his shirt. Cieran chuckled and obliged, sliding his shirt off to reveal a toned chest. Cieran himself lowered his mouth to Zoe's chest and flicked his tongue over her nipples. She moaned, surprising herself as she wound her hand in his sandy blonde hair. Somewhere in the back of her mind, a pounding had started. Every throb, a name was said. Jack. Jack. Jack. Zoe couldn't remember who Jack was and she wasn't sure that she wanted to as Cieran tugged her jeans off. She heard a wrapper crackling and she struggled to sit up to see what was happening as Cieran pushed her back to the bed and pushed himself into her. Zoe arched her back in surprise before moving against him.

Cieran's hands gripped her shoulders tightly, holding her down to the bed as they moved together. Jack. Jack. Jack. Zoe tried to block out the name by losing herself in the actions. The warmth in the pit of her stomach which had begun with the wine eventually built into something more and Zoe found herself crying out as she was lost from the realm of rational thought. She fell into a deep alcohol induced sleep as soon as Cieran pulled out. Cieran lifted his hand and crossed himself, the sign of God before he lay in the bed beside her.

* * *

When Zoe awoke, she cracked her eyes open. She didn't want to move any more than she had to because every stream of light made her eyes feel like they were being incinerated. She reached through the sheets to grab the cool metal of Jack's bionic arm. When she found only skin, she sat up in surprise. Beside her lay Cieran Kincaid and Zoe could do nothing more than stare as the events of last night flooded back to her. She had agreed to go out on a drink with Cieran and she had got very drunk and he'd brought her back here and… _Oh God,_ Zoe thought. The guilt of her brother's death that she'd managed to mute last night combined with the guilt of her recent actions and she doubled over, feeling dizzy and nauseous.

"Glad to see you're awake, sweetheart." The voice today sounded so sly and manipulative. Zoe turned in shock to see Cieran sitting up, a cocky smirk planted on his face.

"What the fuck did you do, Cieran?" she asked, trying to keep the panic out of her voice. His smirk grew wider.

"Only you, Bloody Mary. Only you." Zoe couldn't stop herself from lifting her hand and smacking him clear across the face as she slid out of the bed. Jack. Jack. Jack. Jack could _never_ know about what had happened. It would hurt him too much. Zoe quickly pulled her panties on, before her jeans and t-shirt followed.

"What have I done, what have I done," she repeated over and over as she dressed rapidly. It was more than just a regret of a one-night stand. She would hurt Jack so much and… _Oh God. Lily._ Zoe made up her mind right there that she would never tell anyone of this and she would avoid Cieran Kincaid for the rest of her life. He made no move to come after her as she rushed out of the hotel room, tears threatening to spill over. When she had reached the lobby, she rested her head against a cool marble pillar. What had she done? Zoe wouldn't know the effects of her actions until two years later. For now, she was only filled with guilt and regret.


End file.
